Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
