It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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