No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
