I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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