yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Too much gin, very little bucket
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
