The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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