Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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