Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
