My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
