i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
