Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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