I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
