She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
