I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
