Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
