Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
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I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
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Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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