and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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