Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
