How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
