dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
