Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
