slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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