I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
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Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
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Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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