i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
