I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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