I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I wish they made helmets for livers.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
