If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
