If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
i've created a new STD.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
