just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
