It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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