my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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