last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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