Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
