I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
