Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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