Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
