your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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