I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
lol hangovers are for mortals.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
