Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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