found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize