my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
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letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
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The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
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