wrigley field is MILF paradise
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
