Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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