I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Blood and glitter go together right?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
