My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
