..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
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He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
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Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize