was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
did you just send me my own nude
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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