You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
