Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
