i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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