I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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