Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
