i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
