my mouth tastes like poor choices
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
