Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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