So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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