Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
