So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
