My girlfriend figured out who you are.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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