Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
we're so committed to being not committed
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