I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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