it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
