I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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