Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
