I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
