life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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