It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
