I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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