I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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