I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
