How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
